Divorce comes to nearly one of every two families. After 40 years it came to mine. Long past now – and my former wife has died of cancer – but the scars of the divorce remain.

I didn’t realize it until I read a little book titled, “The Do’s and Don’ts of Divorce,” by Dilyse Diaz, L.M.F.T. (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist , for those of us who wonder what that means). The lady knows of what she writes.

It really isn’t a book to read from cover to cover. Open it to any page, and there you go: an answer you didn’t know you needed. Perfect for those insane times before, during and after a divorce. When the subtitle reads, “How to keep your sanity, protect your children and live in peace.” you know you might be on to something good.

I was thinking this would be a great book for folks who still have children at home when the divorce happens. You know, I think it is good anytime. My sons still have a lot of anger and grief to overcome, and knowing what is in this small tome will help me help them. I hope they read the copies I’m sending them.

So I open the book for the first time and the page that comes up is titled, “Don’t use your children for your emotional support or comfort.” I had forgotten that simple little guideline. I would call them just to ask what their mother was thinking, doing, saying and feeling when what I wanted was to get support and validation of how I don’t need her any more. But I did. I still do.

It is on that page that Dilyse writes of her own life and how she learned to overcome the habit of depending on others to depend on you. She was sharing that the journey of life isn’t a destination but one of continuous self-discovery. How I needed that story a few years ago.

This isn’t a book with all of the answers. Like most books of this nature, it requires you to do a lot on your own. In that way it looks a little like a workbook you had in school. At the end of each “Don’t and Do,” there is spot for you to write down a commitment by writing the change you want to make and listing how you are going to achieve that change. Not much room to write, so you are limited to putting down short and effective methods that you want. Not what the therapist wants. Not what anyone else wants. You get to discover what you want and how to get there.

Author Dilyse Diaz

Thanks to Seattle University, I became qualified to be an addiction counselor. During the time I interviewed, I was mindful that I was talking with a professional. Well, I didn’t get a bunch of, “How do you feel about that?” and I didn’t use that phrase, either. It was a real delight to talk about the book and how to use it. I was so afraid I was going to ask a “why” question, but she told me anyway when I didn’t.

She wrote the book because she saw that people have a need to survive a divorce. Especially the children. Kids become pawns all too often during a contentious divorce, and the kids can come to believe all kinds of things. Even up to thinking they caused the divorce.

Dilyse covers that so well. No more fighting over the kids. No more telling them it isn’t any of their business. It is the business of the whole family even as the parents go separate ways. If anything, what she wrote encourages the kids to talk about what is going on without you saying it isn’t for them to know.

The kids want to know they’ll have a home and that their parents still love them. The want the truth, but they don’t want to be in the middle of an argument between the parents.

The evening after my former wife was buried, the family was sitting around talking, and next thing I know my oldest son is up and yelling at me. At first I thought it was from the loss of his mother. I soon found out he was still angry about the divorce a few years ago.

He had never talked much to me about it. He didn’t want to place blame or be angry – but here he was. Very angry. I read this book and now understand what he was going through.

My sons and I have slowly healed from the divorce and the death of their mother. Well, “healed” is a relative term. More like we can talk about her and the divorce without yelling. Now we tend to remember the good times. The laughter. The joy.

As the holiday season comes upon us, I remember how our home was decorated. Thanksgiving was scarce back in the storage boxes and Christmas coming out of others. We liked to decorate as a family. All kinds of little tree ornaments we made together. I’ve got a lot of those.

And now Dilyse Diaz let me read a book that has had a bit of a life-enhancing effect on me. It would you, too. The book is available via Amazon, or visit her website at www.DilyseDiazTHerapy.com.

A wonderful lady wrote a wonderful book. Enjoy the lessons she offers. I did.

Darryl Manzer grew up in the Pico Canyon oil town of Mentryville in the 1960s and attended Hart High School. After a career in the U.S. Navy he returned to live in the Santa Clarita Valley. He can be reached at dmanzer@scvhistory.com. His older commentaries are archived at DManzer.com; his newer commentaries can be accessed [here]. Watch his walking tour of Mentryville [here].