Carl Kanowsky, Esq.

I’ve written previously of some of the hijinks perpetuated by attorneys, but I couldn’t resist the following stories.

Fortunately, the first brain freeze was committed by someone not represented by counsel. The moral of this column – which I generally save to the end so you’ll be forced to read the whole thing – I’ll reveal now. It’s simple: Don’t do what these idiots did.

The first comes from an admitted kidnapper. He’s suing his victims for breach of contract. As the ABA Journal provides: “Jesse Dimmick is seeking $235,000 from Jared and Lindsay Rowley in a counterclaim to their suit against him for trespass, intrusion and infliction of emotional distress, the Topeka Capital-Journal reports.

“As a result of the plaintiff’s breech (sic) of contract, I, the defendant, suffered a gunshot to my back, which almost killed me,” Dimmick wrote.

Dimmick (no, not Dim Wit) elected to pursue his legal remedies without benefit of counsel. That at least saves my profession from having to apologize for one of our clients.

Jesse alleges that after bursting into the home of the Rowley family – after fleeing from the police subsequent to stealing a van – the Rowleys lulled him into a sense of comfort and complacency by sharing Cheetos and the movie, “Patch Adams,” with him and promising to hide him from law enforcement.

He felt so at home that he fell asleep; the Rowleys escaped and called the cops, who understandably arrested Dimmick — and then accidentally shot him.

Oh, and by the way, he’s also in jail facing murder charges.

Now, while such a client would be a challenge for any attorney, at a minimum, I would urge him to obtain his victims’ signatures on a written agreement if he intends to pursue this line of work.

The next fool is the poster boy for sexual harassment. After reading the story, you’ll wonder if maybe Herman Cain took some lessons from this member of the bar.

You all know how I’ve counseled you not to create an intimidating work environment for your female employees.

Apparently, Samir Zia Chowhan, an Illinois attorney, failed to read and follow my free legal advice in these columns. (Editor’s note: Since we’re on the subject of litigation and liability, this commentary does not constitute legal advise.)

I say this because if he had read any of my previous musings on what not to do, he never would have placed an ad in the adult papers telling applicants for a legal secretary position to send both pictures and measurements.

And no, by “measurements” I don’t think Chowhan meant indications of one’s typing skills.

But this was not enough. When he received an inquiry, he emailed back to the young lady, telling her: “In addition to the legal work, you would be required to have sexual interaction with me and my partner, sometimes together, sometimes separate.

“This part of the job would require sexy dressing and flirtatious interaction with me and my partner, as well as sexual interaction. You will have to be comfortable doing this with us.”

Who knows? Maybe Chowhan was representing Dimmick and needed something to distract him from the train wreck of his career.

Carl Kanowsky of Kanowsky & Associates is an attorney in the Santa Clarita Valley. He may be reached by email at cjk@kanowskylaw.com. Nothing contained herein shall be or is intended to be construed as providing legal advice.